My last posting looked at two kinds of inauthentic networking moves: insincere flattery and insincere questions. These are moves that most of us have been on the receiving end of, souring our networking experiences.

What about when it is not the inauthenticity of other networkers that is souring the experience for us, but our own feelings of inauthenticity?

A lot of people report feeling “fake” and “phony” when they try to network. If you are trying to create new relationships with interesting people, and trying to deepen existing friendships, feeling fake is certainly not going to help. For many people it evens stops them from going out and networking at all.

Where do these feelings of inauthenticity come from?

Trying to Be The “Perfect” Networker

I think a lot of networking advice (perhaps very well-meaning networking advice) has presented a particular picture of what a “perfect” networker is. If you read too much about networking, it is easy to start believing that there is one right way to be as a networker.

Who is this “perfect” networker?

They

·         work the room – effortlessly flitting from person to person

·         are gregarious and outgoing

·         mingle relentlessly and with no hesitation strike up conversations with people who they don’t know

·         promote themselves with their elevator pitches and proffer business cards with finesse

Sound familiar?

This image of an ideal networker is everywhere. So, in an effort to be good at networking, job seekers try to emulate this ideal. And this is where the inauthenticity insinuates itself.

Some people may feel like they have exactly what it takes to be this “perfect” networker. They head out and network in this way and feel good about it. Far more of us do not naturally operate this way. But, in a misguided belief that you HAVE to be this way in order to be successful at networking, you grit your teeth, take a deep breath, and do it.

You “work the room.” You give your elevator pitch. You force yourself to mingle. And you feel phony and inauthentic. You don’t want to give that pitch – you did it because you thought you were supposed to. You don’t want to end one conversation and “work the room” – you were perfectly happy talking with the person you were with but started to feel guilty you were spending too much time with them.

The bad news – legions of discouraged job seekers who’ve been trying to live up to this perceived ideal

The good news – this “ideal” networker may not be the ideal after all

Next: Shattering the image of the “ideal” networker

Authenticity, Networking Authenticity, inauthenticity, job search, Networking

What makes so much networking so inauthentic and phony? Networking has such a bad reputation as a schmooze fest where insincerity reigns.

Being on the receiving end of insincerity sucks. Here are two classic insincere networking moves:

Insincere Flattery: “Wow, did you do something new with your hair? It looks so good” and “I LOVE your blazer.” And of course there is the ever popular “have you lost weight?”

Of course sometimes people give sincere compliments. But insincere compliments are the ones that promptly dry up when they realize you can’t give them what they want. When it becomes clear that you don’t have what they are looking for, suddenly you become far less impressive and interesting, making you reflect back on those early compliments and realize they were not really compliments at all - just attempts at buttering you up.

Insincere Questions: These are the questions that are asked but whose answers are not listened to. “What do you do?” or “what’s new with you?” or any other opening question to get you talking.

Then, when you’re answering, the questioner’s attention is anywhere except on you. They are clearly looking for someone more interesting or powerful to move on to. The question is mere place holder, allowing them to look engaged in conversation while they scan the room finding their next target. Questions form the basis of many a great conversation, but insincere questions have nothing to do with an authentic interest in learning anything about you.

Experiencing this kind of insincerity in others is so demoralizing. This kind of inauthentic networking sours the whole experience of trying to meet and relate to people.

So there’s a quick look at a couple of the symptoms of inauthenticity in others when networking.  Coming next … when it is YOU who are feeling inauthentic.

Authenticity, Networking Authenticity, inauthenticity, Networking