Disclosure: I may be a bit biased as I’m mentioned in the article!

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Maintaining Authentic Relationships with Your References

I believe maintaining authentic relationships with your references long after you’ve stopped working with them is a key to building a stronger resume and becoming a stronger candidate for jobs. When was the last time you spoke with the people who serve as references on your resume?

I asked myself this question after reading a recent article on the importance of good references in the Christian Science Monitor. The article suggested that a bad reference could be sabotaging your job prospects without you knowing it and stressed the importance of keeping in touch with past co-workers and bosses. It also discussed that an effective job search involves calling or sitting down with your references and having an honest talk about the sorts of things they would say if a hiring manager called them to ask about your past job performance.

I thought this was a great idea. Where authenticity comes into the mix is when you start putting yourself into the shoes of your references. Would you be more inclined to put in a good word for someone who keeps in touch with you and has shown a genuine interest in your life over time, or for someone who hasn’t contacted you in two years?

Remember that your references aren’t just lines on a page they are real people with real professional lives. Most of the references with whom you’ve cultivated a positive relationship in the past would be delighted to have at least a brief update on what’s going in your life and would relish the opportunity to fill you in on all the happenings of your old workplace. It all comes down to our simple human desire to want to be remembered, even after someone has exited our workplace. No one wants to be forgettable.

When you decide to have an honest talk with your references about how they viewed your past work performance, you are inviting them to be authentic with you. You are saying to them that you still value having them in your network even though they represent a part of your past. You are also reminding them that they play a vital role in shaping your future. Listen to what they say and learn from them. They may even point to strengths you may choose to highlight on your resume.

The reason these conversations are so important is because one negative experience often makes a much stronger impression on a former boss or colleague than numerous positive ones. By inviting them to share the good and bad of what it was like to work with you, you are guiding them to refresh their memories of your good attributes. And your good attributes are certainly what you’d prefer your references to dwell on when they are contacted to vouch for your work performance.

If you haven’t already, take the time to make some phone calls to your references or shoot out a friendly e-mail. Not only will this keep you up to speed on their current contact information, but it will keep you on their minds (in a good way) when they are contacted to give a reference for you.

Mariana Ashley is a freelance writer who particularly enjoys writing about online colleges. She loves receiving reader feedback, which can be directed to mariana.ashley031@gmail.com.

I drifted away from these book projects and to be honest, was I wondering if it was worth putting effort into the final stages of getting the books printed. Are they still relevant?

Then 3 things happened in the last week.

1.    I had several fantastic and inspiring conversations with colleagues at a national conference for career practitioners. I heard about how they use Not for Sale with clients, and that it is really well received and helpful. Not only is it rewarding to hear that some small thing I’ve done may be helpful for others, they also expressed interest in the next two books.

2.    The difference that authentic networking can make was reinforced for me. The sharing, the encouragement, the collaborations I saw happening at the conference– wow! I think the authentic networking book could be really useful to support this style of networking.

3.    I received out-of-the-blue email messages from the Yukon and British Columbia about people using the Not for Sale book. And then a book order came in from southwestern Ontario.

I have a colleague who would tell me that the universe is telling me something. So I’m going to listen. I think it is worth getting the books out because I hope they will be a helpful contribution to the conversations we all have about what works and what doesn’t. I’m particularly pleased with the networking book, as typical networking advice has been a bit of a thorn in my side for a long time and I’d like to see more alternative approaches get out there.

So, I’ve decided to get back on track and get these two books out. In the next little while I’ll start posting some material from the books here – and if you have any feedback I’d love to hear it.

If you are curious about this kind of idea, you may find an interview with Scott Stratten of interest. Stratten is the author of a new book called “Unmarketing: Stop Marketing, Start Engaging.”

I have not read the book (but plan to), but from this Q&A, it looks like his main point is that businesses need to focus more on relationships, less on traditional “marketing” activities. Speaking of relationships, seems Stratten has 63,000 Twitter followers (not as many as Ashton Kutcher but awfully impressive) and had already sold 3000 copies of his book – before the book had come out.

I’m fully convinced that our job searches are more successful, and more comfortable, when we focus on relationships and community, and not marketing and selling ourselves. “Unmarketing” for businesses is an interesting idea that may suggest that what is good for the job seeker, is good for the organization as well.

C: Who comes to CareerCycles and what are they looking for?

M: We’ve helped over 3000 people from 80+ countries of origin become empowered in their career and life choices. Working one on one with individuals is a central part of our work, and I along with our 10 Associates work with our clients. We work with people in early-, mid-, and late-career who are asking themselves ‘what now?’ About half our clients are employed and wanting a change, and the other half are already in transition. Clients are usually university or college educated, sometimes we work with couples, and sometimes with young adults and their parents. Clients are looking for more than typical job search help, beyond resume and interview preparation – they’re looking for help to make significant career and life choices.

C: Can you describe the approach you take at CareerCycles?

M: We take a holistic and narrative approach, utilizing clients’ career and  life stories as the basis for self-understanding and for generating new possibilities. This is quite different from the ‘test-and-tell’ approach some others use. A good way to understand our holistic, narrative approach is to consider the metaphor of a maple forest during the spring ‘sugaring off’ time, when trees are tapped for sap to make maple syrup. Each tree in the forest is one of your career or life experiences, such as undergrad education, first job, second job, volunteer experiences, travel, parenting and so on. Using a structured conversation between client and CareerCycles Associate,  and an interactive “career sketch” to gather and organize the material, we tap each story for the client’s desires, strengths, preferences, assets, and influences. As we walk through each story with the client, we also generate new and relevant career possibilities for the future. When we’ve collected all the sap, we boil it down by asking clients to write a ‘career statement’ which is a crystallization of all the content we’ve collected from their stories. Utilizing a ‘career statement,’ like eating the maple syrup, is an empowering experience. The ‘career statement’ then acts as a compass to direct the career exploration process, itself another empowering experience based on watching for clues, different the career advice such as ‘sell yourself’ that some others use.

C: Why did you decide to use the Not for Sale book in your work?

M: Not for sale is completely aligned with our approach to career exploration. We do not advise clients to ‘sell’ and ‘market’ themselves when they’re in career exploration. Most people do not relate to the sales metaphor; they do not feel that ‘sales’ is one of their strengths. When other  books and career advisors tell them they must package themselves up, and sell themselves, people often feel bad. In contrast, we at CareerCycles believe clients can conduct their career exploration in a human, dignified and authentic way. Learning ways to do so feels good, and shifts clients’ mindsets, so they can be more open to the positive clues that can lead them to what they want. Not for sale reinforces our individual career counselling approach and gives clients a resource aligned with their momentum from our program.

C: How have clients responded? Do people find it hard to not “sell” themselves?

M: Clients express a great deal of relief when we help them to see they can conduct their career exploration without selling themselves. After our clients have written their ‘career statement’ which emerged holistically from their own career and life stories, they are ready to share the public version of their career statements with their network. This is a great way for clients to connect with others and ask for help by sharing more of what they authentically want. People feel great about this approach, and tend to move forward by inspired action such as conducting what we like to call ‘field research’ which is simply talking to others about their common career interests. Our clients find this approach easier and a great relief, different from the general career advice about selling themselves.

C: If you could summarize your thoughts on effective job searching in 1-2 sentences, what would they be?

M: Effective career exploration begins with you and not with job boards; it begins with a ‘career statement’ about what you want, your key strengths and preferences. Then, what’s most effective is to watch for clues that align with what you want – clues like people you meet and surprising synchronicities – and then take inspired action to follow up on those clues; and, stay open and allow and welcome opportunities that you’ve attracted.

C: Thank you! Best wishes with your work and I’m looking forward to continuing to hear about your  ideas.

Often it is not as simple as turning on the “authenticity switch” or turning off the “performance switch.”

Like Shrek, we are also onions (remember “Ogres are like onions. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. We both have layers”). We may need to peel away several layers of mask and performance to reveal our core selves.

So how do you peel away those layers?

A few thoughts:

Becoming more conscious of how you feel. Can you tell the difference between when you feel more versus less authentic? How would you describe those two different states? What is different about how one feels versus the other?

Setting clear intentions. It helps to get clear on what you want and then when you enter a particular situation to set a clear intention to do that. For example, simply saying to yourself  “I am going to be authentic at this party”  helps you to make a commitment to yourself and makes it more likely that this is how you will be able to behave. (thank you Leigh Anne a wonderful coach and colleague for thoughts she has shared with me on setting intentions).

Starting small and safe. It can be a lot easier (and less risky) to inch towards more authenticity with people who you already trust and feel safe with.

Those are just three simple strategies for increasing our authenticity – what are things that you have done to peel away the layers and be more authentic?

Seems it is not so uncommon for the truth to be stretched on resumes.

And it may be particulary popular right now, as people like Dave Dineson, of BackCheck, a company that other companies hire to conduct employment pre-screening, are reported to believe that this dishonesty increases when the economy sours. Desperate times induce desperate measures.

But these desperate measures can so easily backfire. Companies can do background checks and have several ways of verifying actual work history and educational credentials. Even things that aren’t so formally documented, things like responsibilities in a past job, can be checked during interviews (it can be hard to dupe experienced interviewers once they start zeroing in on an area that seems suspicious). And references can be called for verification as well.

I bet some people probably think it is a risk worth taking, and have gotten job offers and not been found out.

But getting “found out” about dishonestly is only part of the problem with this practice. However desperate you are feeling, does it help to feel like you’ve been dishonest on your resume? Job search is a time when you need the most confidence you can muster – and sacrificing your integrity isn’t usually a confidence-booster.

The most interesting part of this article for me was how it got me wondering about what we are defining as honesty or dishonesty.

A few types of dishonesty on resumes that we can probably all agree on:

-       Fabricating a degree or other academic credential

-       Indicating that a degree was received, when you’re actually still a few, or even just one, credit short

-       Making up work experience

-       Making work experience sound bigger and better – for example saying you have supervised 10 people, when it was only a couple

However, I was surprised to read this “Older candidates sometimes leave out the early portion of their careers because they don’t want to show their age or have a resume that appears too stale or lengthy, Mr. Davis said” (Mr Davis is a recruitment consultant).

This is dishonest?

Isn’t it accepted/assumed that resumes are targeted? And targeted usually means you pick and choose what to say based on what you believe to be most relevant. This is why “camp counsellor,” “catering assistant,” and “gas jockey” no longer appear on my resume.

I’m not trying to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes and I’m not worried that the dates will emphasize my age (not that that is yet a concern as I am still just mid-career). Older stuff can be just not relevant.

And, even if it is relevant, is there room to list everything? In addition to my high school jobs, I leave off early “professional” related jobs as well because I’ve done more interesting, more recent, and more senior roles since. Is it dishonest to emphasize the most recent parts of your work history?

And why is this comment directed at older workers? Yes, they can be concerned about revealing their age, but might they have other good reasons for leaving off the early parts of their career history? I get the feeling that leaving off early jobs may not be seen as dishonest when I do this, but may be seen as dishonest for older workers (there may be some subtle discrimination happening here).

What do you think? Is it dishonest to leave off the early portion of your work history?

I started my series of posts on authenticity by looking at our definitions of authenticity. I shared that the core of my own definition is that authenticity is that powerful feeling of being real, and its corollary - the absence of wearing a mask.

With more reflection, I’ve realized that there is another important component of authenticity to me, a component that is critical if we want to not just feel authentic, but make authentic connections with other people.

That other component of authenticity is a genuine openness to others.

Often, part of our motivation for being more authentic (both in job searching an in life in general) is the ability to have better and deeper connections with other people. These more meaningful connections happen when we are being more of our authentic selves.

But there is more to an authentic deep connection than just revealing ourselves – there is also the need to be open to seeing and appreciating the other person. How we treat the authentic self that others share with us is vital to making that connection. If we are not open, but are closed, judgemental, dismissive, and/or lacking in compassion, not only may we injure that possibly fragile self that has been shared with us, we certainly will not be building the trust and comfort that is necessary for a close connection.

Sometimes the discussion about authenticity can feel a bit self-serving. It is all about how to be ourselves so that we feel better. And while that’s important, we are not islands. I’m wondering more and more about what kind of responsibility we each have for how we treat not just our own authentic selves, but also how we treat other people’s authentic selves.

What do you think? How is being open to others related to authenticity?

I’ve also been personally reflecting a lot on authenticity (as I’ve finished up writing the text of a new book, Authentic Networking and continue on Interviews as Authentic Conversations) and I think there is a lot to explore about the concept and practice of authenticity, so I’ve decided my theme for my next few posts will be authenticity.

A recent conversation in a LinkedIn group for career services professionals asked members
“How do you define authenticity?” and this got me thinking.

I’ve looked up definitions in dictionaries and they use words like “undisputed credibility” and “genuiness” but I find them lacking. They might be defining the concept, but they don’t capture the complexity and the power of the experience of authenticity.

To me, authenticity has two parts – one is the presence of something, the other the absence.

First, I feel authentic when there is the presence of feeling real. I wish I had better words to describe it, but I recognize it when I feel it. There is a rightness to it, a comfort, and sometimes a fragility.

Secondly I feel authentic when I feel the absence of a mask, or manufactured self. There is a freedom with this, and sometimes it also feels a bit exposed.

These two pieces speak to the core of my own definition and experience of authenticity.

How would you define and describe your experience of authenticity?